I can tuck mytits in my pants
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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