Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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