Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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