he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
