She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
