She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
