Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
