How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club š
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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