remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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