He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
