I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
