we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
