btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
