Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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