She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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