I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
