I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
