My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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