Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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