just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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