In the future we'll all be gay
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
