My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's shark week go big or go home
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
