this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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