Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
