is your mom at the bar?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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