I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Maybe he injected his testicle?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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