the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I didn't notice because vodka
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
