i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
