I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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