She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
