You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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