So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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