can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
