My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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