He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
