When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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