can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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