I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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