I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
