I've blown a few things in my day
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
