yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
