Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
