and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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