My underwear smells like fireworks.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
