My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I deserve this hangover.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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