gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
