I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
