I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
