i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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