Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
