Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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