i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
