If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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