you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
