I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
