Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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