Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
