I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
