Duck Duck Cougar?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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