did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
