OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
