I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize