They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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