You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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