My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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