Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
