We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
