When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
