I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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