He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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