she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize