we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
